Bias in Gifted Identification and Education: Parents’ Role in Nurturing Their Gifted Daughters

Welcome to the Vanguard Gifted Academy’s educational blog. This is the third installment in our series, Bias in Gifted Identification and Education. I’m Hannah David, counselor of gifted children and their families. My former position was at the Tel Aviv University; I’m retired now. In this article, we’ll discuss the parents’ role nurturing their gifted daughters.

The parents’ role in nurturing their gifted daughters has been a topic that has interested me since I’ve studied anything about giftedness. The name of my first book that I wrote almost 30 years ago is The Gifted Girl. The conflict for gifted girls has been there 30, 40, 50 years ago, and unfortunately, it still exists now. The main support role for gifted girls is her parents and it has always been the parents, and it’s still the parents’ role because society has not changed that much.

Five Ways to Support Your Gifted Daughter, Beginning With Being Honest

I would like to share five of the main guidelines for mothers or fathers of gifted girls; some advice for them as they support their gifted daughters. First of all, be honest. Gifted girls hear time and again that they can do it all, which is not true. There are only 24 hours in a day, and you cannot do it all, and you have to choose. Sometimes girls may ask their parents, what am I going to do? So please be honest. Maybe now you can do both dancing and mathematics and science class and other extra classes. But at some point you will have to choose, and I find it in my practice on a daily basis. Girls who have been practicing the piano, for example, come to the age of 16 and they know they cannot practice the piano for hours a day and excel at the university, while still in high school. There are not enough hours every day. So please be honest.

Help Gifted Girls Narrow Their Interests

Second, not every gifted girl can do anything she wants, even if she is very highly gifted. You might be gifted in mathematics, you may be a gifted writer, but you cannot be both. At some point, gifted girls must realize that you can be quite good at something but if you really want to materialize your giftedness, you have to choose one thing that you are really good at because you cannot be gifted at everything. So please be honest about it as parents, as well, and help your daughter to understand this. There is no shame in being a good writer, even though you get straight As in mathematics for example. That doesn’t mean that you’re going to be a mathematician if you just wish it to happen.

Listen to Your Gifted Daughter

Third, being there for your gifted daughter is critical. The world is hard and things are not going to be smooth for her, socially or academically. There are obstacles and there have been many changes, but many more changes are still needed. You cannot simply say, when my daughter grows up, all these obstacles will disappear. So please be there for her. Sometimes it means just listening to her. She does not need your advice. Sometimes you’ll give her advice she has not asked for, so please try not to talk too much. In most cases, she will just talk and she knows you are there and that’s enough for your gifted daughter.

Allow Gifted Girls to Make Their Own Decisions

Four, you have to let go as soon as it is possible. Sometimes it’s very hard for a parent of a gifted girl to understand that the child is very mature, especially gifted girls, at a very young age. So please, if your daughter says something you have to listen to her and take her seriously, even if she is 12. I have heard it from many, many mothers, and fathers as well, who cannot accept the fact that a 13-year-old girl says that she is a lesbian, for example. So I say, Why? She cannot know; she is not right. But sometimes a girl of 13, who is cognitively 16 or 17; she’s grown up; she understands. It is not so much about understanding. It’s not about feeling. But even if you speak about things and she has experience, she has understanding, and you have to accept the fact that she understands, and she has decided about her life.

The best example that I have is when I hear complaints from parents about their gifted daughters who go out with much older men, because they are very mature in many cases. Gifted girls have no common language with boys their own age. So sometimes the girl of 16 goes out with a 30-year-old, and the father is ready to kill the man. I always say to him, if you let the man in your house, and you become friends with him, that in a few months, I’m not speaking about years, she will get rid of him. She’s doing it because she needs company, she needs someone to go out with; all her friends are doing it, and he is there for this purpose. If you do not let her see him, and she’s going to see behind your back, it’s quite possible that she’s going to marry him. So you’ll have to make your choice. If you want her to marry him, just don’t let her feel the path for marriage is right there. So please, let her go. Let her do her own things and let her feel her independence if you want her to feel close to you.

Limit Comments on Your Daughter’s Appearance

Number five, don’t say anything about her looks. It’s so popular to speak about the fat girl who is not overweight, but she’s okay. The same girl who is not eating well, and the parents were running after her to make her eat better. The whole thing about looks has become so popular. Your gifted girl hears it all the time. It bothers her, she understands it; you don’t have to explain anything to her. Unless she’s anorexic, or she’s so fat that it risks her life, she does not need your encouragement; she does not need your explanations. She does not need you calorie-counting. She can do it, and she does it by herself. When she approaches you and asks you for help, be there for her. We go back to number three – go back to listening to her and to helping her, and that is because she’s asking about it, and she wants to share it with you, and she wants your help. But don’t say she feels bad about it in any way – it’s not going to help her under those circumstances.

The last thing I want to share is to give you an example of a six-year-old girl who was in treatment with me. When I first met her, after six weeks I noticed that she was always wearing black. I asked her, why is that? She says, don’t you know? It makes me look much thinner. All my friends – I remind you, they’re in first grade – we all wear black dresses, because our bellies do not show in black. That’s what she said, and I was shocked. I wanted to talk about it with her parents. They said, oh, we don’t let her eat anything sweet. So I said to myself, back up, it’s not your business – you cannot change the parents, if they are so strict about eating anything sweet, except for some food. That was the only sweet thing that came into their house. No wonder their child was so concerned about her belly at age six. So please, if all these things are important for you as well as for your daughter, and if you want your gifted girl to be happy and successful, and if you want a lifelong relationship with her, then follow these tips to support your gifted daughter.

Thank you for continuing to read our series on Bias and Gifted Education. We hope that Vanguard Gifted Academy’s educational blog will continue to be a valuable resource for you. To learn more about this topic, check out our previous blog on creativity and imagination versus quantifiable gifts or call Vanguard at (224) 213-0087 – we always enjoy connecting with you!